Horn Please O.K.!!

I recently got my driver's licence. I am not a kid anymore who needs to be driven to a party or who needs a pick-up after one. I can drive myself and other "kids" who need to be driven around. Not even my dad can stop me from driving a car now. At least, not on grounds that I don't know how to drive (the Indian Government thinks I can. Not that I can't. I actually can!!) and my dad is not mean enough to deny me his set of wheels. In fact, my dad is not mean at all. He lets me drive. A lot. And now I can drive with complete peace of mind. Because I have a Driver's Licence. Yay!!!

Section 130, sub-section 1 of the Indian Penal Code states "The driver of a motor vehicle in any public place shall, on demand by any police officer in uniform, produce his licence for examination:
Provided that the driver may, if his licence has been submitted to, or has been seized by, any officer or authority under this or any other Act, produce in lieu of the licence a receipt or other acknowledgment issued by such officer or authority in respect thereof and thereafter produce the licence within such period, in such manner as the Central Government may prescribe to the police officer making the demand." The gist of this law is that you cannot drive any vehicle without a valid Driver's Licence. Yeah, right!! I see so many boys riding bikes and driving cars who haven't even started shaving. Now, I can understand if there are just one or two of them on the road but it's a whole army of them. Either all of them are underage or guys in India are getting "prettier", if you know what I mean.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not being uptight about all this. I have commited my share of crime. Just like other boys I have tried to sneak out in the car past my dad to impress pretty young ladies at coaching classes. When girls are busy working their grey cells to identify the silver cation during a salt analysis test, boys are trying to figure out methods to extract the silver out of the salt in case that much is sufficient for a ring for the next Valentine's day. This is how boys think. That's what we are and there's nothing wrong about it. It's just the hormones acting up. And specially in the case of Indians, it's genetic and we can justify it by the way we drive.

You must be wondering how hormones, driving and Indians are related. Let me explain. What is the most annoying observation you can make at a traffic signal? People honking for no reason. If we can make so much noise at a place where we are supposed to stop and wait, imagine what would happen if a car breaks down in the middle of a busy road. And to top it off India dosen't have the infrastructure to support the number of vehicles plying it's roadways. Psychiatrists say that blowing horns is one of the easiest ways one can relieve stress. So, our roads are too crowded, we are the second largest population in the world and we unnecessarily blow horns to relieve our frustration. What does that make us?? Horny!! We are a horny race of people!!

Now that I have established the relation between raging hormones, driving and Indians I would say that it is just right that kids be given the opportunity to blow horns too. After all, puberty is a "hard" time. But then again, in the larger interest of the nation, it's okay if the kid dosen't drive for a while. In fact, it's good if kids don't blow horns. To avoid a crisis like teenage pregnancy stricter traffic rules for underage driving should be enforced. But I don't need to worry about all this. I've got a Driver's Licence. I have the right to be horny. But I am not a pervert. Before starting the engine I remind myself what Morrison had said :

Ah Keep your eyes on the road,
N Your hands upon the wheel.

Goat to Goatee

I was in Bhubaneswar in the last week of January to organize an event. Check out hellocm.blogspot.com. I would like to share an incident. Something very funny (at least to me) happened which made me do a lot of thinking about my choice of facial hair.

I was at the entrance of the auditorium where the competition was being held chatting with the volunteers, briefing them about the next moves. A gentleman who was waiting for his daughter to finish with the essay round was watching us from a corner. He was standing alone. I thought he must be feeling really bored and awkward among us kids so I went up to him and exchanged pleasantries. The bit of conversation I had with him in the next few minutes was really weird.

I introduced myself to which he replied "Oh! Bangaali?"
"Yes." (smile)
"So are you a Brahmin?"
"Yeah."
"But do you know this beard, this goatee of yours gives a very different impression."
I understood what he was trying to get at but I feigned ignorance.
"You know, Muslims keep beards like that. Initially I had the impression that you were one of them."
Yes, that gentleman had the nerve to say something like that.

The first thing that came to my mind was Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.
" 'All that glisters is not gold,
Often have you heard that told;
Many a man his life hath sold
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms infold.
Had you been as wise as bold,
Young in limbs, in judgment old,
Your answer had not been inscroll'd:
Fare you well, your suit is cold.' "
I almost laughed out loud at the thought of him being the Prince of Morocco.
The second thing that came to my mind was " Sorry to have disappointed you, weirdo."
I voiced neither response, smiled and said, " Who cares? I don't." , instead.

I had thought that it was over but sadly I was wrong. The gentleman started talking about his college days where he used to tease a Muslim friend of his by the name of "goat" because he had a beard like mine. He probably thought that he was being funny and I had to go through twenty minutes of "Emosanal Atyachaar". And all this over a goatee.

I can't understand why people, specially Indians and even youngsters have a problem with the goatee. Even if they don't have a problem they will definitely ask you the reason for keeping a goatee if you sport one. Get a life people. I don't ask you why you are clean shaven. One more thing I don't understand is that why do people have a confusion about the religion of an individual just by looking at facial hair. Are clean shaven men ever confused as short haired women. Hitler is never confused with Charlie Chaplin. If you think all men with goatee beards are Muslims it just shows your cultural bias.

I keep getting comments like these about my goatee. Another person I had met (also in Bhubaneswar) made an interesting inference about my goatee. We had met through a common friend and had just finished with our introductions. The first piece of proper conversation we had was about my goatee. He asked,"Are you inspired by MTV's Raghu?".
I still don't understand what it is about this goatee of mine that triggers such remarks but whatever it is, my goatee is a damn good ice-breaker. At least I get to know how a person thinks. Coming back to my goatee, no, I am not inspired by Raghu Ram. I don't know since when Raghu has been sporting the goatee of his but for me it's been seven years. I am short and was a bit plump then. Having a short neck, a double chin was pretty evident. I started sporting the goatee to take people's attention off my double chin and the goatee has stayed ever since (with slight modifications in size and shape from time to time). I like my goatee. My girlfriend likes it and my mother is it's most ardent supporter.

So, anybody who has a problem with my goatee, I can shake my pelvis as unabashedly as Govinda and sing out loud "Main chahe yeh karoon, main chahe woh Karoon. Meri Marzi !!!".